Je T'aime Mon Ami

  • "Je T'aime Mon Ami" oil on black canvas 2004. I had this in my mind when I was moving to Seattle. It was my first piece in my new space in Seattle. It was election time and I was anti-Bush. We were at war and I was frustrated by this, so I decided to make a Peace painting. At the time my mentor introduced me to Fela Kuti which I fell in love with so much it made the art for me. I was also reading Bukowski's "What Matters Most is how well you walk through the Fire" and "Burning in Water,Drowning in Flame."My idea was a peace dove woman who had walked through the fire while rising above. In Cantenese it says "NO War" and the African dancers are summoning the rain gods to put this fire out.At the time the French were the only country who declined in getting involved with this war so I titled this piece in French as homage.It's also homage to my mentor for complimenting me on my art and inspiring me to stay true to myself by painting.

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Grand Amour

"Grand Amour" acrylic on silver leafed canvas. First and foremost this is homage to Dita Von Teese, a woman who reclaimed the Golden Era of Hollywood. I love her rebellion of taking time backwards similar to what I'm doing with this series. I have photographed her a few times while also seeing her perform. It was The Cure's "Lullaby" when she came out in an elaborate Asian flair costume that gave me chills: she is a work of art. I came across her through the author Paulo Coelho who wrote The Alchemist (a book I read leaving Alabama). Recently, I had finished "Mans Search For Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl and "great love" was on my mind. As I channeled some of my favorite bleeding hearts such as Springsteen,Young, Cohen, and Dylan; it was a random movie that's song got stuck in my head that forced this idea into action. I came across "Seeking a Friend for the End of the World" a cute comedy about love and love for music. The next day I awoke to a song from the movie: "This Guy is in Love with You" by Herb Alpert. I couldn't get it out of my head til this beauty came to life. It brought great love to this piece and great love for me. So I named her what I want to put out to this universe. Dita Von Teese is a woman I admire for I once used her as example in a heated debate about feminism defending my love for shooting boudoir as a business. I think being a beautiful woman is about loving yourself and feeling beautiful about yourself. I think the whole corsets and old classy lingerie attire is lovely for any body type but to photograph this or paint it is teaching women how to look and feel the role. In doing so I think Dita Von Teese was a rebel with an idea that brought back a classier side to sex appeal and why she went into my art. It took me til now to reject All social pressures society puts on a lil girl growing up to be a woman and I'm here as a painter to give a better role model in this definition of feminism we are trying to define. Cause all lil girls want after they grow up is this fairytale thus "Grand Amour"

Where Is My Mind?

"Where Is My Mind?" homage to a damn good song and a damn good band The Pixies. I love how you can channel Vision based on hitting repeat on a song that has you feeling something.

Hearts in the Highland

"Hearts in the Highland" oil on canvas 2013. This is an homage to Bob Dylan thanks to his longest song "Highlands" being pushed on me at random. In all the years of using music to trigger my emotions to make art, I honestly like it when a song triggers me at random. Art is what I got from a long song that's hard to hit repeat on but plays at random enough. I feel this song as an outsider perspective, it reminds me of the times I would be in artist mentality looking at the world. I see myself looking out the window to the dream place in my heart and I'm growing my bleeding hearts like I'm making art. It's the peace doves in life that take them to where they'll heal someone else. I do believe this is what one does when you are constantly bleeding your hope for this chaotic world. I tend to lock myself in a cage until I bleed my heart out. What I got from Dylan is that this is a lonely harsh road of living and loving. But the rebel and the woman in me wonders how much of this road can I bear to take? For the woman I am knows staying true can only last so long without true love at tangibility. The artist in me will continue to let the peace doves pluck at my bleeding heart but sooner or later must give the ultimate away. Now when a Dylan song plays at random I listen carefully for every one of his songs gives me a better clue at how to win at this battle of the bleeding heart. You kinda have to give it your all and hope maybe all the pieces you gave away will grow like seeds. What I've learned on this harsh long road of living is that they do come back to you. People love however they wanna love, I chose to chase my dreams. I've been fortunate that all the love I've given this world still surrounds me with love in return. Every time I hear the sadness in a Bob Dylan song about the ugliness in this world I remember where I placed my heart. I smile for I haven't given the ultimate away quite yet. Like a good song at random, I'll wait this out until love triggers my emotion. I just know my heart isn't so far in the highlands that it's out of reach.

Interfaith

"Interfaith" oil on canvas 2.5x2.5' 2010. This is the story of defining yourself, some have labels, I do not. I have come to conclusion when it comes to surrendering to love I refuse to commit to any specific religion. Instead I believe in respecting how ever way someone finds hope. As for love, I've been fortunate to have good men in my life that have stayed loyal to me yet let me be ~tbfree. After some 20 plus years of these men in my life I realized they did good by me. There are many packs of wolves who have had their influence on me when it comes to this bleeding heart of mine. All I can say is thank you, tho a late bloomer in this love game I'm armored for battle. The beauty of always being a queen bee of a wolf pack, it turns the tables quite a bit. I know not of the bs game of seduction all I know is I like when a man is comfortable around me so much he tells me all his truth. I've been loved so much I see it intimating to be this honest in that bs game. I thank you my wolf packs, thank you. I've also realized I like to take ones bullshit and give it right back in a way that makes you scratch your head and question: "Who's smarter?" Then I smile for it's the little things of love that makes good seduction. To know someone so well you could literally step into their mind? I smile again for this underdog of a Wolfpack is a loyal dog and forgives and forgets but never lets you go. Over time I grow on you like unconditional love to the point you realize "Such a classic girl gives her man great ideas and hears you tell your friends "Hey man Why don't you listen to my great idea." Then I smile again for love with me or how I'll ever surrender is the realization "It's like slapping yourself in the face. "Thus two songs off Ritual De Lo Habitual by Janes Addiction both written by Lou Reed who inspired this painting.

Gen X

"GenX" - friends of mine posed for this piece, but it's a statement about: "The U.S.'s Debt and its distribution to England, Japan, China, Middle East all in the name of War. It's Gen X who has felt the heaviest of its impact on the American Dream. U.S. is blowing a kiss to her England ally while Japan is in dire need of our assistance. Instead, we spend our money on the war in the Middle East while China owns US. We are already bought and sold without a choice or our voice." Oil on canvas 2011

Abyss

  • "Abyss" India ink and gold leaf pen on silk, 6'x3' 2011. This was a commissioned (bartered) for personal training at a gym in Manhattan Beach. My friend is also a surfer so when I asked her what inspired she said the ocean. This painting is symbolism of a necklace her grandmother, mother, and herself wear to unite three generations. So when I was looking through images of elephants, I came across beautiful images of elephants swimming in the ocean. I fell in love with the story of Rajan, the last living swimming elephant. He was born into captivity, trained to work very hard his whole life. It wasn't until a very wealthy person freed this elephant did he retire to paradise where he swims and plays. There's something so profound about an elephant that weighs tons to be light as a feather swimming in the ocean. The idea is that I could sink to bottom of the abyss in my mind yet feel light as feather coming up for air. I decided this would be a lil love piece for my friend. By using her sentimental elephant jewelry, I could use my imagination to help set these elephants free to swim in the abyss. This is one of a few pieces where I reject humanity for nature. I miss this painting but she's in her rightful home and hopefully well loved.

Blue Bird In My Heart

"Blue Bird In My Heart" acrylic on black wood panel 2013. Homage to a poem by Charles Bukowski called "Blue Bird." I remember being tongue tied in love when I was waitressing,selling art, bartering art with rockstars. There I was tongue tied, yet the fire in me has no problem speaking her mind clearly. What I love about Bukowski or having friends for years is perspective on love. I believe that it should be reversed in the beginning. I wanna lay all my cards on the table just to smile and say: "Run Away,fast as you can!" It's a trigger in me, cause when you have people who stand by your side for 3/4's of your life you get more comfortable laying all those cards on the table. I am flawed,my art is flawed, so be it what it is, I am happy to be me~tbfree. I feel so free having just typed this. Lets be honest "Love is like A Mad Dog From Hell" but "What Matters Most Is How Well You Walk Through The Fire." Learning people over and over and somehow pissing people off with "it's ok give it back"mentality has let my mind be free. Freedom of your mind is crucial in surviving this vicious cycle. I just want love to be free and honest. Bukowski and loving the friends in my life has me seeing life clearly. It's always gonna be a ride but can we just get the politics out of the way so we have fun on it? I honestly don't believe in the fairytale bullshit of love. A pretty face isn't enough for me, I need to see your soul and know your heart bleeds. Bukowski's poem is what I think of most men with love, or its at least the story I'm given often when I watch them run away from love. Maybe I've seen it all too many times I need the reverse to wanna stick around. I guess I see love as a vision of optimism in this cruel world we live in. I smile for what I can give to the universe. Love can be ugly when you're the only one who left her mask at the bottom of the "Abyss." I get so tired of plucking away to reveal ones soul. What's wrong with exuding it? Fear kills all but I have no fear of today nor tomorrow. Optimism saves me cause any time I'm sad I got good friends to get me through the day. Thus "there's a blue bird in my heart that wants to get out" so I set him free.

Submission

"Submission" oil on canvas 2009. Love is sometimes a title we give as marriage.It doesn't always define Love. The codependency of needing someone to ride this life with you is a heavy pill. I've never needed anyone but my art, yet saying this feels hypocritical. We as humans are certain type creatures. We're like penguins or blue faced angel fish. We love living solo unless we find true love. The mind is a powerful thing in the way we perceive love. I've been so wild in the mind to think of ever being caught scares the wit out of me. I lay this card of Submission last. I made it 6 years ago at a time I was willing to surrender. After multiple heartaches I've stopped my bs games in Love. Life is too short to pluck people's chords and not own your actions. Love is a blessing, to receive it is fortune. I am brutally honest for one reason, I love you too much to be as cruel as others. To lie to you would be selling you the bullshit of the world.I just can't do people this way, I want an honest slate so why would I give the opposite? Love for me is being true to myself first and smiling to you that I'll be the same with you. That's a fair deal and I only want to give such when pertaining to my art. Humanity deserves such honesty and to go against the grain I just say: No. Instead I'll go against the bullshit grain and enhance humanity with my humility. The rebel of today only speaks kind and honest words unless laughter is followed by sarcasm. In this life we all need to be tough with what we want and fierce in our honesty or we confuse the universe in what we want. We all want Love at the end of the day but can we be more clear on its definition? Games are for the children not adults in denial. Submission for me is laying all my cards on the table and demanding the same from you in a fair deal. I smile for most of the time people play dirty and trip up when you are this pure in heart. Purity takes a lot of work, it's like scraping the sand in meditation. This mental meditation is a daily battle only you can conquer. I conquer mine daily and lay my mind to rest at peace with my soul. What can I say: I love me. Do you love you?

Elucidate

"Elucidate" India Ink on 4.5x3' silk 2009. I would say this is homage to my happy place in this world. It started out as the dream of leaving in trade for paradise; to a place I dreamt of as hopeful tangibility while in Seattle. I managed to get the dream of living by the beach south bay style. My Padaro Lane is only a 1.5 hour drive away, beaches everywhere, a wish come true for "Elucidate" is all about making things clear. "Why live in the fog?" which was once an idea but I passed on for the rain instead, go figure? This is how I decided sunshine was the calling. I remember residing in Long Beach, West Hollywood, then Torrance within a six month arrival. But in the end I was enticed for cheap rent and a huge room I could paint in. I thought no point in paying high rent since I had car payment and massive college loans to pay off but I still had to paint. The minimalist has always been in me. I gotta clean house before I can paint and then when I get into painting I clean house even more. When moving far far away I took a futon and my art supplies, plus decorative things for my soon new cage. I've learned early on, as long as you have a lock on the door to the vicious outside world you are safe to think for yourself. For me I decorate this safe haven, my happy place in my head that feels at peace physically speaking. I smile for I surround myself with sentimental and worldly objects. It takes me back to my final words on the wall of my mural that said:
"Think for yourself
Follow your Dreams
Let the ocean of chaos take you wherever
But always know the sea speaks to you
Asking you to wander in a spell of solitude
Don't be afraid to see yourself for who you are or who you wanna be
I found my ocean."
~tbfree
In this piece there are sentimental objects from my two lovely moms who have had influence on me. The alter ego of being the only blond in the family to just appreciating the little things people give me. Ink on silk to vibrant of pigmentation on the softest of drums my love for loving all wrapped up in the wish to be seen clearly. Though taking multiple harsh road trips where you leave everything behind will also you help you in "Elucidate."

Syncretic Volition

"Syncretic Volition" India ink on silk 6'x3' 2009. This painting translates as the means of blending philosophies or beliefs. It's homage to some of my friends whom are in this piece. One in particular was my first roommate while living by the beach when I first moved to LA. She felt scandalous for being the only one naked of my friends. I told my mom this and my mom replied: "It's a painting,so what's wrong?" I told her I completely agreed too. This is the story about making your own garden of Eden where you as a lady feed yourself the grapes of wrath if that's what you please. For me I love switching over to ink on silk for its more meditative then the harshness of chemicals with oil. What's cool about painting ink on silk is the fact one drop of color goes a long way physically,metaphorically, and philosophically speaking. The trick is building the layers delicately until the silk is no longer porous. It takes multiple layers to build a bridge in bonding. It is in this moment I can zero in on the final details. This is a painting about finding serenity in your own "Self Eden." Individuality is the capability of understanding theology. It's about understanding how religion came to be and also divided into multiple faiths by a leader who brought followers. If one person could blend faiths and make it his own then why the need for followers? Isn't this brainwashing one to follow another's path rather then their own? Thus my questioning of the need for one specific ideology? If every individual took their pick at what they wanna believe, would there be a need for a label of faith or its followers? Wouldn't we all be on our own path letting ourselves define happiness in hope? Well I at least know where my garden is to feed and she became my " Syncretic Volition."

B*tch

B*tch-oil on enameled wood panel 2006. This one goes back to when I was starting a new job in Seattle. Oh the restaurant biz will teach you about ethics and manners. People show their true colors in this biz. I've learned how to carry a smile through long periods of multiple people pleasing. This is a particular story about a woman who took the cake of such a word. Note to self: never glorify anyone who proves they are a terrible person. I've screwed this up a few times now,but I'm learning to smile and move on. Life can be a real B*tch, I've picked myself up off the floor many of times. There are times I'm not sure why I keep bleeding this heart if always disappointed with people's character. I look back at this moment and smile for I at least got a good friend in this bs and we chuckle about this time we met and the atrocious boss we once had. I don't feel bad I x'd out her face and wrote B*tch in Cantonese. I get tired of people pleasing so much I sometimes snap. I'm learning to run this negativity off in order to keep smiling. It's hard at times to wonder why you bother with good morale? I keep my head up for I hope that I do get the respect I deserve in this lifetime. It irks me so sad that nice people finish last. What kind of living is this other then living is a B*tch?~tbfree

Mute

"Mute"- oil on black canvas 2009. What can I say: I love music!! I just don't love music I feel it and exude it with every skill I can. It's like the tapping of my brush. I love talking about music and what song did what and when. It's a mental trigger I like firing off all the time,nonstop. I used to watch David Lynch movies on mute, while playing my music. His movies had an impact on me for I could break down scenes on how he made his films. I'm intrigued by the movie making not it's bs politics,the same goes for music. I'm glad I learned the politics but I still want to Hope. When I was in my first and last "relationship,"we had a huge record collection. We loved music so much,we had to meet the artist. My BF at the time would have me get autographs from our favorite bands,until I got too good at it in my charm. Jealousy occurred and I walked away from the ultimate controlling love. I vowed that day I'd stay true to me by staying free,thus "tbfree" as my reminder. I swear music channels exactly what I need in a moment to survive life. Living gets hard at times when all is nasty politics surrounding the very essence of our freedom to express. To be an individual in modern day in my opinion is holding back one element of yourself from the bs politics until it's reached a certain rhythm. I'm not much a dancer to music but I do have rhythm in my wrists and in my voice. I've learned and embraced this about myself. To listen to music for me is mix of what the song did for me as well I like knowing its autobiography. True artists place their truth in their art.If theyre really good they'll give you truth not found in any history book or news.The older I get the wilder I am with my mind. For it will always play punk rock in the midst of my Submission. Rebellious Love like the song says it all.Ode to all the bands I've met. I'm honored that I speak a universal language that has kept me free to roam in this life of mine. Once free it's really hard to go back to any sort of control. I'll submit if it's true love and allow ones influence on me. Tho I feel it must be at mutual respect between two individual personalities or there is no Submission to love. ~tbfree

Temerarious Tome

"Temerarious Tome" oil and gold leaf on canvas 2008. 
I was on my last leg with Seattle when I started this painting. I had lived in Ballard,1st Hill, South Lake Union, West Seattle, and Capital Hill when I came to conclusion I was ready to go back to California. Rent at this time in Seattle was on the rise and now has tripled since I left. I thought long and hard at defining happiness. So I started this idea in which is a riddle: In the accidental book of life and faith, is the light we feel greater than or equal to a tangible means of hope? After my mom arrived for yet another wild ride into the unknown of Los Angeles, I finished this painting. I realized after living in Seattle that I could tangibly handle the rain in life but I like to wake to the sunlight of the day more often then feeling the rain. I get so deep with my art it stirs my emotions that waking to rain daily had its toll on me. I need to awake to a beautiful day after plunging deep into my soul. I'm also a runner and always have been a runner. Tis true about telling the truth and running. I just wanted the fairytale back as my running ground. I figured maybe just maybe I could at least be happy with sunshine while no matter where I go there I am with myself. I can't stress how many hoops I've jumped getting around having a big enough space to paint. I told myself in my twenties that if I were to make art like rock and roll, my twenties was the time to run with it. I think some of the best works of creativity came from finding that accidental story that tells itself. I now know if you are awake and aware of all the signs,opportunities jump at you. It's literally about jumping into the unknown and taking the risk. This was my third move into the unknown of city shopping, I felt pro at this point. I wanted my thirties to be about marketing this product I call my art. I wanted to conquer the mega phone of flash and fake. It has been a wild and maturing ride that has shown me how much heart I truly have for this world. I'm glad I pay attention to the signs through art and took the risk even if I didn't understand it at the moment.

Sarasvati

"Sarasvati" Oil on 6'x2.5' canvas 2006. When living in Seattle I worked at an Asian antique store as well as an art gallery. I love learning about the culture and its history. This is ode to Sarasvati the Hindu goddess of knowledge, music,arts,wisdom,and learning. I wanted to tell a story of a random group of people passing each other by in a moment. This moment is the light of peace that a woman's baby is giving her. This light is so strong it effects everyone around to feel it as well. The light around us could be so strong strangers are compelled to stop in a moment just to feel it. In this painting I wanted the viewer to feel that light with their eyes and it would be so strong it would have an impact instantaneously. I seem to stash all my journeys in my art. This one is the key to finding your highest path, involving everything you need to accomplish such. It's about surrendering yourself in a moment to feel the light and sharing it with all those around you. It's like that song Mercy Street by Peter Gabriel.

Beneath The Surface

"Beneath the Surface" oil on canvas 2007. I will say this is my least favorite subject matter of all because it's the hardest. Every time I moved drastically I always thought about home and would I ever go back. I remember growing up in disbelief at how cruel people could be. It bothered me so much that I made it a point every chance I got to be the kindest to the least suspecting just because I hoped for the same.The south toughens you early on. But if I've learned anything about the depths of people, there comes a lot of pinned up truths that no one wants to own. I always found this fascinating that one little act of kindness could change a persons life. The world is a scary place at times with this vicious cycle and I try my best to scratch beneath the surface. I find that using my openness to make others feel comfortable to do the same helps with the process. Getting through ones walls or politics is a tough job I take on when I feel it worth it. I use long time friendships as proof that once you get past those layers people are beautiful creatures who love you for going through that phase and are able to live life in love as friends. People are simple humans if we let them be but this is an internal battle on a solitary path. If we choose to take it whether in daily routine or from time to time, we learn better ways to exhale the bullshit of the world. The times are in turmoil of ongoing issues that seem to never find justice. I wish we could scratch beneath the surface to get to the root of the true issue of today. I say meet new and interesting people. Stop them in their path and find out who they really are by opening up yourself first to the idea. Then hold on for the ride of life. It's so easy with technology to be any where in this world yet connect as if your neighbor, but it depends on your own perspective to wanting people in your life. Love is a powerful entity when we do get beneath our surface, let people in to love when we have a hard time loving ourselves. Thus why "Beneath the Surface" is a marker in my lifetime as reminder of why it's worth it.

Conception of Hope

I literally painted this in one day. "Conception of Hope" oil on canvas 4'x3' 2003. It was the day the U.S. went to War. My heart sank again, yet my hope was to make this idea ethereal. So I took this idea from the fact my friend was pregnant with her first child at the time. Since 9/11 was our reasoning for going to war I repeated the chess game from my chalk mural. She is pregnant while we're going to war, her husband shows her the cross as religion shall be her prayers, she instead looks the viewer in the eyes in a questionable way. Will faith help us while others die in the name of War? Yet history has proven religion led many wars. To conceive hope in something we as humans have no power over, I the artist thought if I conceived this art then maybe just maybe mercy would be born.

Unhealthy.Superficial.Ambition.

Another NFS painting I've held onto: Unhealthy.Superficial.Ambition. (U.S.A.) This is the story of Aphrodite being seduced by the American Dream and all its bullshit. She is laying in the bed with all she thinks is the dream, while Cupid has shot her with the arrow of Love she blocks her heart with her own lust for Unhealthy.Superficial.Ambition.